


right where you left me

by heroinchic



Category: Trainspotting (Movies)
Genre: M/M, being left behind by your soulmate kind of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:34:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29876397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heroinchic/pseuds/heroinchic
Summary: Did you ever hear about the man who got frozen?Time went on for everybody else, he won't know itHe’s still twenty-six inside his fantasy
Relationships: Mark "Rent Boy" Renton/Simon "Sick Boy" Williamson
Kudos: 6





	right where you left me

_friends break up, friends get married_

_strangers get born, strangers get buried_

_trends change, rumors fly through new skies_

_but I'm right where you left me_

‘’CHEERS!’’ – a bunch of people yelled with their cups raised up. Sickboy’s smile felt tight. Begbie’s weeding. He couldn’t remember the name of his wife. He was just hoping to get drunk and then fuck one of the bridesmaids.

Everything ended according as planned, he was lying on the bed of the hottest bridesmaid, she was asleep, it was 4am and he was nowhere nearly to join her on the arms of Morpheus. He couldn’t sleep easily, he had to be very drunk or very high. The insomnia had started since- whatever. He sighed deeply, looking at his one night lover while he lighted a cigarette.

-I will love you, till my dying day. -Spud said in his vows, causing that some ladies shed some tears.

Sickboy felt uneasy suddenly, his mind traveled to many years ago, to the sight of a lamp lighting Mark’s face on his bedroom ‘’friends, till our dying day’’ followed by a huge smile and a pat on Simon’s shoulder. ‘’More’’ Simon wanted to said, more than friends, and more than a pat on the shoulder. But he said nothing. He smiled and hugged his friend -his brother-.

‘’CONGRATS!’’- another weeding. Gayle and Spud. They looked genuinely happy. Simon’s smile was wide and honest.

-Well done Spud- Simon catch him in a time alone. He looked so happy.

-Thank you catboy! It means the world to us that ye are here! We don’t see ya very often lately.

-Oh you know how it is, im here and there. Busy.

-Of course…any news on…?

\- No one should be waiting for him.

-But ye are don’t ye?

Simon looked at him like if he wanted to kill him, but he eased his looks. Spud was no one to blame.

-No one is, Spud.

He ended the night in a gay club, first time trying out luck in such places. It was a very underground scene in Leith by the time, and it was just what he needed. He never knew the name of the guy he fucked in the hotel across the street. He only cared that he was too much alike to Mark. Even in the freckles. He will have to look for something different next time.

‘’Rumor has it he’s in the Americas, rumor has it he moved to an island, no one knows a lot Oi! Sickboy! Come sit down with us for a bit!’’

Simon pretends he didn’t listened, it was Begbie and Spud drinking and chatting about the-one-who-shall-never-be-named in a bar stall, but if Begbie was talking about him it was because maybe some truth information was around and Simon will be lying if he said he wasn’t dying to know about the person he hated the most.

He sat and listened, rumors, just that, some more dumb and delusional than the others.

Silence while everyone had a drink after Swanney’s funeral. Ali was in jail. Spud was in rehab. Gayle had just gave birth. Begbie was on the run. The only one sitting on the bar stall were Gayle, Diane and Simon.

‘’Its sad innit? How soon there isn’t going to be here anyone else left here’’ Diane said out of the blue.

‘’You always said the most morbid things Diane’’ Sickboy pointed. She shrugged. Gayle said she was right.

That night, Simon and Diane slept together, while they shared a fag after she said ‘’he cant know, when he comes back’’

Simon left out a cruel laugh and began to get dressed.

‘’Let’s be nice to the man who never gave a shit about anyone else but himself’’

‘’I know that its not easy bu-‘’

‘’He is not coming back Diane’’ Simon said, and with that, he left.

_Help, I'm still at the restaurant_

_Still sitting in a corner I haunt_

_Cross-legged in the dim light_

_They say, "What a sad sight"_

_Right when I felt the moment stop_

_Glass shattered on the white cloth_

_Everybody moved on, I, I stayed there_

_They expected me to find somewhere_

_Some perspective, but I sat and stared_

Simon had a couple of boyfriends and girlfriends, everyone ended telling him to go see a therapist. One day he finally did, he never came back, but he kept a diary. It was to write only when he had dreams about him.

_Someone was throwing rocks at Simon’s window. He looked over just to see Mark with his psychotic smile and a bag over his shoulder, Simon recognized that bag, it was where the money was._

_-What the hell are you doing here? - Simon whispered, everyone else in the house was asleep. In the dream, he was in his childhood home._

_-What you mean what I am doing here? Comin to get ye? Fast! Our train leaves in half an hour!_

_They almost ran to the station, between laughs and a quick stop to the liquor stop. The world looked fuzzy and the colors and voices were out of place. But Mark was there. Mark. He had come back to him. Because the thrill of a new life alone was over and he had come back to what he knew and to what he loved, to who he loved._

_-You came back- Simon said, while the train approached the station._

_-Of course, I did- Mark took Simon’s hand and in an unexpected gesture he kissed his knuckles. Simon laughed like a kid, delighted. They were going to run away together, like they had planned to do many years ago, in their adolescence years._

_The train arrived and opened his doors, Mark got in without a problem but when Simon tried to get in it was like an impossible wall separating him. He rushed over to the guard and showed him his ticket, telling him how the train wouldn’t let him get in. Suddenly, a bunch of people came over and the guard made a sign towards Simon and the people took him by the force, Mark saw all that through the window but he had no expression at all, suddenly he began to laugh and pointing his finger at Simon while he screamed and cried, LET ME GO, I GOTTA GET ON THAT TRAIN, MY FRIEND IS THERE, HE IS THERE, HE CAME BACK, HE-_

-HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOOUUUUU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR SIMOOOOON, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOUUUUUU.

The sunlight lit through the curtains directly into his face and a little cake handed over by a girl on her underwear who was lighting the candles. The cake read ‘’HAPPY 35!’’

It was this girl, Suki, pretty nice girl, maybe too nice. Even if he said he didn’t wanted anything for his birthday she had go and get him that cake.

The dream got him all confused, but it wasn’t Suki’s fault. So he kissed her, blowing the candles and thanking her with morning sex. But that wasn’t enough to erase the fact that he was thirty-five years old and he still had dreams with Marks, a little too often.

He was exhausted.

He felt like a bride left in the altar unable to survive the trauma of the love of his life leaving him.

But Mark couldn’t be the love of his life and the situation hadn’t been anything like it.

‘’Fuck you Mark’’ he wrote at the end of every dream he wrote down on his diary.

_Did you ever hear about the man who got frozen?_

_Time went on for everybody else, he won't know it_

_He’s still twenty-six inside his fantasy_

_How it was supposed to be_

_Did you hear about the man who lives in delusion?_

_Breakups happen every day, you don't have to lose it_

_He still twenty-six inside his fantasy_

_And you're sitting in front of me_

And time went by, scams, and new addictions, new affairs, women slapping him in the face for cheating on them, men slapping them on the face for not getting enough attention of him, more scams, buying expensive clothes to conceal the hair loss and the fat gain, getting girlfriends way younger than him, inheriting his aunt's pub, getting Spud out and in of rehab, getting into tattoos, spending Christmas on the Renton’s house and new year’s eves losing his mind to every existent drug, getting a woman pregnant, everything in that relationship going to shit after he tried to play the responsible and present father he never had. Crying and screaming to the nothingness of it all when his ex-girlfriend wont let him seen his son, when he got out of cocaine, when he remembered Mark, when he asked himself if things have been different at twenty six everything would be different by now.

_I'm sure that you got a wife out there_

_Kids and Christmas, but I'm unaware_

_'Cause I'm right where I cause no harm_

_Mind my business_

_If our love died young_

_I can't bear witness_

_And it's been so long_

_But if you ever think you got it wrong_

On Mark’s birthday, Christmas or every other celebration he often asked himself how Mark was doing. If he had a wife, if he had kids, if he could see them at all and had a great relationship with them, unlike Simon and his own situation with his son. He asked himself if he even was alive. Simon wanted him to be dead at some point, but over the years he had changed his mind.

Often, he wished for Mark to be on a place where the sun shined and was a beautiful fucking shiny day, maybe wishing good things would do him some good.

**‘’** **a** **nd i hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed, you can plan for a change in everything, but I never planned on you changing your mind’’**

-Who do you write this for?- a notebook was thrown at him across the room waking him up, he had been dating this girl Camille, for a few months now. He read the page she was talking about. Shit.

-An old ex-girlfriend Camille, sometimes i am a romantic- he said, getting up of the bed and putting a shirt on.

-Yeah sure, that proves how you never said anything romantic to me ever, except when you want to shagg. You still clearly in love with this girl.

Simon sighed and rubbed his hand against his face.

-You know what? yes, yes. im in love with this ‘’girl’’ -he quoted with his fingers- im still am. i’ll always will. deal with it or mind your own business.

He went to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee and just listened the door slamming shut when Camille left.

Where things going to be like this? It seemed like it. One way or another Mark was intertwined into his life even if he had left almost twenty years ago, he still remembers it all, he could swear that he would have forgot everything about Camille in a month but he still remembered everything about Mark. It was like he was inside of his veins. It was like a tattoo. Too permanent and made up in a moment of stupidity.

He would remember everything, till the day he died. And he would ache, till the day he died. And he would stay here in the good old goddamn Leith, till the day he died. He could have left a long time ago, but something told him no, something told him, _wait for him_ , something told him, hold on a little bit longer, you have waited almost twenty years. Something told him, _stay right there where he left you._

_I'm right where you left me_

_You left me no, oh, you left me no_

_You left me no choice but to stay here forever_

_You left me_

_You left me no, oh, you left me no_

_You left me no choice but to stay here forever_

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are welcome :)
> 
> thank you <3


End file.
